Five Brilliant (and Brilliantly Useless) Antique Gifts for Country House Owners

Imagine this: You are a guest at a friend's country house, along with a group of others, all there because your generous host is taking the whole party to a ball.

You know the type. They have a boot room the size of your kitchen, a dog with a better pedigree than most of your friends, and a drinks cabinet that doubles as a small museum. Buying a gift for a country house owner is notoriously tricky since they already have everything. 

You are staying the night. You know you should bring a gift. 

Enter: the Gloriously Useless Antique. There are a few rules for the GUA:

1. It should make your host and the other guests laugh as soon as they see it.
2. Do not aim for tasteful. We are going for size and presence. The dream is for your host to worry that future guests will see the item and think the host bought it for themselves.
3. Some of these may need to be shipped separately. If so, time their arrival with yours for maximum effect.
4. You know your host well if you’re going to do this. None of these gifts should be given to someone whose sense of humour you cannot personally vouch for!
5. We also don't recommend you do this every time or the invites might stop. But once is allowed.
6. If it doesn't make you laugh when you're choosing it, it's probably wrong.

N.B. The below list is just for inspiration. Use these principles to tailor the gift to maximum effect. 

1. A Vintage Taxidermy Fox — £295 from On The Square Emporium

This ticks a lot of boxes. It's large, it's dead, and it will need a home. The thoughts your host should be having is "Where am I going to store this? Will I need to keep it on display in my house?". Passé is the point. A stuffed terrier or fish would be even better.

Available from On The Square Emporium.

2. A Byzantine Lantern on a Stick — £45 from Church Antiques

Relive your nativity play days with this gift. Impractical to store, unlikely to see much use, but guaranteed to raise a smile every time someone asks about it, which they will.

This is also a good test of your host's manners.

"That's perfect. That's so clever of you. Exactly what I've been looking for."

Available from Church Antiques.

3. A Church Pulpit — £300 from Church Antiques

Some people see a church pulpit. Others see a new DJ booth. Sacrilegious? Possibly. Memorable? Absolutely. The best ones will have a little staircase to raise you above the party. This one is only for the bigger country house parties — and Blackpool's loss is your host's considerable gain.

Available from Church Antiques.

4. A Hymn Board - £175 from Antique Church Furniture

Stay with us on this one. It has a purpose. Sort of.

For those who attended church as children (or ‘chapel’ for those who went to boarding school) a hymn board was a small but staple feature of mornings. But why on earth would your host need one? Because they double rather well as a bedroom allocation board. Your host can write the name of each guest and their room on a card so everyone knows where they're staying.

You wouldn't want your crush not to know which room was yours, would you? A hymn board on the landing might help. Legend has it that one aristocratic host used to have the bagpipes played outside the house at dawn to remind people to sneak back to their own rooms before anyone noticed.

Available from Antique Church Furniture.

5. A sponge frog - £30 from Etsy

For those who felt these gifts were getting rather too expensive for a joke, we humbly submit the sponge frog. It adds a touch of whimsy to any kitchen sink, and a house that is too immaculate is not a home. A sponge frog by the sink shows character. It shows whimsy. It will bring a smile to your friend's face and they'll think of you when they use it. 

Available from Etsy.

 

All purchases made at your own risk. Follow us on our Socials for more ideas on how to make the before, during and after of every ball more fun and memorable.